splinters

I wrestled my 29-lb daughter tonight... and she won.  She had splinters (or we sometimes call them slivers) of muddy grossness jammed into the bottom of her foot.  Mer calls it a "silver" -- sliver is such a needlessly hard-to-pronounce word, right?  I knew this at the beginning of the day when we got to a water park, but she put on such a scene in front of the grandparents about removing it that I thought I'd wait until we got home.  It couldn't hurt THAT bad if she was willing to walk on it all day.  She would proudly display the splinter every time she could today-- but she'd never let me touch it.

Tonight I told her what the procedure would be & asked her to let me wash it & possibly pluck it out.  She freaked & immediately started shrieking.  I helped her lay down & she wailed as I grabbed her foot.  Her constant kicking made even viewing the wound impossible. I was soon half-sitting on her, pinning her one leg down with mine, and had my arm wrapped around the other leg so I could control that crazy foot.

Merian's words spewed out the entire time.  NOOOOO!  I don't want you to!  I don't like you, Mommy! (All females know that relational attacks are quite effective, and my daughter pulls this out every time desperation creeps in.)  She even resorted to pinching me like crazy.  I got the site a bit scrubbed with a washcloth, but hadn't even been able to view it at all.   I was spent.  No success.  Mer & I sat back for a quick time-out, both of us breathing hard.

Time for the big guns.  Casey, can you help me?? I sat there thinking how glad I was that he was home & could help...and how crazy it is that these teeny girl had suddenly pulled out her superpowers.  Casey placed her on his lap & firmly held her still.  All was great, until the tweezers touched her foot.  And it was over...no matter what angle or position we tried, Merian was almost always strong enough to keep me from getting the tweezers to do the job.  I resorted to scrubbing & finally got the rest out that way.  We all sat back & were exhausted...Merian especially so.  That swollen, splotchy face looked SO relieved that it was over.  And after all that craziness, she calmly got up & almost skipped off.  No care in the world, because the painful splinters of nastiness were gone.  And though she had fought every step of the process, she was glad it was gone.  Grateful to those who had wrestled her down to free her from it?  Not so much.

And then I thought.  I AM THAT GIRL.  It goes like this.  A sin in my life.  I ignore it.  It's not that big.  Look, I can even walk normal and act like it's not there-- thinking I'm fooling everyone else, too.  God convicts me of it & wants to remove it.  Naw, that sounds painful, God.  And you see?  I'm walking just fine with this little "nothing" on my foot.  It's like it's not even there.

 A day passes.  Okay, God, there's the sin problem.  Can you see it?  Good!  Now I'm going to walk away & feel good about showing it to you.  Don't you dare try to touch it or remove it!  THAT would hurt.  But showing you like this?  This feels mighty good.  We should do this more often.

More time passes.  I'm still not ready to get rid of it.  But God is.  He knows that if I keep going on like this, it's just going to get worse.  So he tells me the process of getting rid of it beforehand & reassures me of His love.  NOOOOO!  You don't love me!  If you loved me, you wouldn't hurt me.  Not EVER!  He patiently starts to bring me close so he can remove the issue.  I freak out.  Even though I KNOW it's for my good, I'd rather settle for my limping, pain-filled splintered state than go through a momentary deeper pain.

I catch a glimpse of "the weapon" (aka. God's tool to remove this sin from my life.)  It hasn't even touched me yet, and I am writhing.  So God has to put more pressure on me.  Before I know it I am pressed in on every side & feel almost paralyzed.  And then the pain starts.  Sharp, stabbing pain.  Good pain in some ways, because it's getting at the pressure spot that so desperately needed attending.  But still I do everything I can to get it to stop.  And since I can't move anymore, I try new tactics.  I say horrible things.  I hurt those I love in any way I can.  I will not stop until I can get this pain to stop.  Because I can't see beyond my immediate gratification.  This pain, right now, must stop.  That's all I know & all I can process.

And then...it's suddenly over.  God & I are both sitting back, breathing hard.  I am sweaty, my face is drenched in tears, and I am exhausted.  I almost want to laugh.  Really??  All that struggle for this?  Ha. That wasn't so bad!  But do I take the time to thank the One who loved me enough to wrestle me down & care for me?  Sometimes.  But more often I do a little immature laugh & skip out of the room without another thought.

When, WHEN will I grow up and be the child that sits there at the feet of God in full trust?  When will I call the splinters out for what they are & come running to Him, begging him to remove them from my life?  I want to be like my son, who at 6 yrs old who comes to me and willingly endures the pain...simply because he trusts that I know what's best for him.  Last time Henry came to me with a splinter he said, I know it's going to hurt, Mom.  But I trust that you can get it out & it will heal.

Life is full of splinters.  Ways that God needs to grow me, so that I can be more like Him after it's done. My splinters these days?  Anger & resentfulness at those I love.  Usually for dumb things...like disobedience or insensitivity.  Fears of the unknown....little insignificant fears.  But when agitated these fears get really big.  We've been seeking God's will in a bunch of areas in life, and this fall involves taking some steps forward.  These changes are going to involve many splinter-plucking moments.  And that leads me to...pride.  Ugly, nasty, I-think-&-hope-I'm-better-than-you-and-want-to-prove-it pride.  I don't like prideful people, so I really hate ever admitting that I am one.  But there you have it.  Yuck.

This writhing & wailing thing over splinter-plucking is getting old.  The drama can stop now.  Time to take a deep breath.  Remember truth.  Seek out this One I'm working on trusting, through prayer & the Word.  Act by placing myself where He asks me to be.  And do what He calls me to do.  Even if I know it hurts.  Because I am fiercely loved.  And the temporary pain brings healing, if I will just sit still long enough to let Him do the job. 

⁵This, in essence, is the message we heard from Christ and are passing on to you: God is light, pure light; there's not a trace of darkness in him.
 ^6-7If we claim that we experience a shared life with him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we're obviously lying through our teeth—we're not living what we claim. But if we walk in the light, God himself being the light, we also experience a shared life with one another, as the sacrificed blood of Jesus, God's Son, purges all our sin.
 ^8-10If we claim that we're free of sin, we're only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins—make a clean breast of them—he won't let us down; he'll be true to himself. He'll forgive our sins and purge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we've never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God—make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God. 

1 John 1:5-10