Getzmosis

Things we've learned so far this week ---

Casey needs to take things very, very slowly.  On Tuesday he was feeling really great & decided to do a couple of visitors, go upstairs to play legos with the kiddos, do a couple meals with us, and just try to be with family more.  It truly wasn't "a lot" compared to normal standards, but it was too much for him.  That night the encephalitis symptoms flared up worse with hot flashes & muscle spasms as part of it---and he woke up the following morning with another crippling migraine.  Wednesday we spent the morning trying to get the pain under control, and by mid-afternoon he was comfortable again & able to rest.  After spending the entire day in bed & in silence & darkness he was doing better today.  

Later this afternoon he had a doctor appointment.  A diagnosis remains inconclusive, but the two previously considered tick-borne illnesses (anaplasmosis & ehrlichiosis) have now been ruled out.  West Nile Virus remains an option, and our doctor continues to think Casey's illness presents similar to that disease.  An infectious disease specialist remains in the conversation as well, & agrees to continue with the same course of action.  The state lab has Casey's blood samples & they should have results back to us within a couple weeks as to whether he has a newer illness than what was previously tested.  We all joked together about the off possibility of Casey being able to have a new illness named after him--- I'm voting for getziosis & Case likes getzmosis.  

The extreme fatigue continues, and Case is now he's starting to anticipate his limitations a bit more, pacing himself & being willing to receive more help.  He even chose to ride a wheelchair into the clinic, just because the dizziness was making any distance difficult.  His mind continues to struggle some as he is forgetful, indecisive & confused in various moments-- but yet overall he is improving.  He has enjoyed laying in the dark with his uke, and when he's feeling better he tinkers on it & is composing music again.  We are hopeful, praying that with rest he will continue to gain back his strength.

In the meantime -- life is still buzzing at home.  My aunt was over today & helped our house start exploding into Christmas.  The kids came home all excited & put up their little trees in their rooms.  Tonight we sat around the table & started our nightly advent readings & candle lighting -- Henry says that every year this is his favorite part of Christmastime.  Teachers at school are so very supportive, being patient with my littles as they sometimes struggle.  Linc is living it up with his cousins-- we miss him dearly but the break is needed for this healing stage.

Casey & I both have struggled different times with fear & frustration at this situation.  After that first week & a half I was a mess--- too many trips to the ER, struggling to care for Case at home, love the kids in the moments I had with them, coordinate help (& there was such great help!), all the while feeling like I was holding in my tears as much as I could--- I felt like I was going to explode from it all.  Thankfully Vivian was already planning to help watch the kiddos that night, so I sprinted off on a jog for the first time in a couple of weeks.  I was feeling so depleted that I needed some reminders of truth, & the sermon I happened to listen to was about angry prayers.  Elijah the prophet had just been a part of one of the most miraculous displays of God's power -- and now was having to run for his life as a wicked queen was out to kill him.  (1 Kings 19)  The poor man was exhausted & depressed, and he belted out his honest frustration to God.  Yet God was so kind by responding with a cake angel (read it, it's true!) & showing Himself to Elijah.  I was trying to muscle through it as I listened--- but by the time I got home I was a sobbing mess-- so I sprinted back to sit by the river.  I poured it all out to God -- Why Casey, why now?  What is our future going to look like, especially if this doesn't go away?   How can I trust you when you allow this?!  After I had yelled & sobbed it all out, in my exhaustion I was overcome by this complete peace.  This thought filled my mind-- God is all I have, and He is hurting with me.  This world can be so painful-- but God is still there to love me & He is weeping with me.  I just needed to get it all out & be honest with God -- so I could stop sitting in the corner crossing my arms--- and crawl back into His lap to be held & loved.  I don't need to know all of the answers to those questions yet -- and maybe some I will never know.

All I needed to know was this:  I am not alone.  God knows what is happening & He continues to hold Casey & our family -& hurt for us as we go through this.  And that is enough for this moment.

The list of things to be thankful for is so long.  Casey is alive, and he got through an acute stage of a scary, sometimes life-threatening illness.  All of my previous annoyances with my hubs are now these precious little reminders of him being alive-- even the loud belching. :)  God keeps sending His people at the exact moments that we are most broken.  Sometimes the thought has barely gone through my head and God has already answered my need.  And we are somehow pushing through with strength & more peace than I ever could have imagined.  It's a strength I know isn't mine, and it doesn't make sense.  I know it's because of the prayers of all of you -- and I am so grateful for it. 

Questions remain unanswered.  But God is here & we are loved.  That is enough.